You Deserve to Be Held

We are all born with the longing for connection. Warmth. To be held. Touch. Smiles. Songs. Acceptance. Even when we are frustrated or make a mistake.

To varying degrees, we received this. We received this according to our caregivers’ capacity for loving.

Which was often riddled with generational trauma. And generational fear. And generational overwhelm. And generational blaming of others when we are uncomfortable. And generational anger. And generational shame.

And so, as we grew, we sometimes were showered with love and celebrated for being ourselves.

But often, we were criticized, we were wrong, we made little mistakes but were met with big scary loud responses, born of our dysregulated, overwhelmed caretakers. Or we were criticized for our little mistakes and then shut out, we were too much for them, so they turned away, or turned to addiction, or they left entirely.

So we, tiny and resourceful, and longing for our caretaker to see us and to want us, tried to do things a little better. We tried to earn their love. But little ones are developmentally creatures of imitation, so we also started behaving like them. We learned to use the same methods of self-soothing that they used or did not use.

And now, as adults, or young adults, we recapitulate this habitual dysregulated state with our partners. We freak-out or shut down when we are stressed. We tolerate absolutely unacceptable treatment of ourselves because that feels familiar. Strange as it may seem, familiarity feels safe to our nervous systems.

We pepper our romance with what we think is compassion for the misunderstood faults of others, while sacrificing the archetype, the truth of love. We keep hoping for the shining warmth and true honoring and true accepting that we originally sought as children and have always deserved.

You have always deserved to be seen and held and honored with tenderness. Especially when you make a mistake.

Breathe this in.