Safety or Comfort?

I am always meeting with new parents.  Often we get to enter into a relationship that will grow and change over time as I step into a role as teacher of their child, and parenting advocate.  Sometimes we only get a year or two together.  Every once in a while, we only have that one meeting. I strive to really lean into listening to what each parent is picturing for their child regarding what education might look like.

At Lightsong Farm Community, we strive to build a circle of connections.  We model the value of relationships for beings seen as well as any beings we might not see with our eyes.  How can we walk in a way that honors the other? Especially during a conflict or disagreement, we work to truly see the earth, plants, animals, or human beings that might be on the receiving end of our anger or frustration. We model feeling a responsibility to make things right, and own our part in things.  Even as teachers, when we make mistakes, we name them and do repair with the children of every age.

The other day I met a parent who very much heard the loving and nurturing aspect of our impulse, but felt concerned that too much cozy nurturing might create a bubble around a child which prevents them from being prepared to meet with difficulties outside our circle.  

Something that is difficult to communicate to a new parent who does not know us yet, is the way we work to see behind what is on the surface. We are not trying to create comfort all day long.  We see a distinct difference between safety and comfort.  Being uncomfortable is how we grow, how we challenge ourselves, how we become strong. Each day an opportunity arises that will provide a challenge to at least one, but often more than one individual in our circle. The academic realm provides myriad opportunities to be challenged, to be out of our comfort zone.  

Think about the last time you had to learn a new skill. Recall the vulnerable moment when you might, as an adult, choose not to learn the thing and stay where you are comfortable. You might feel, “no thank you”, or even “absolutely not”, to something.  The children do not really have a choice in the same way we do.  While they may express outwardly their discomfort when asked to try a challenging task or assignment, the place we see them trying to hide the most from hard things is usually in the social realm.  They might have a hard time being vulnerable and naming their feelings in front of others. This might be seen by us as meanness or as they get older, sarcasm.

In a way, we are in uncharted waters regarding communication. We must model for our children our own bravery regarding being uncomfortable and leaning in towards the growth in the relationship, rather than pretending we are fine when we actually are not. Speaking our truth, asking for an opportunity to try  to make repair, and really hearing and seeing the other person will yield a deeper connection and let us breathe more easily and truthfully.