Out of Heartbreak into Love

We wanted love, care, listening, compassion, support, encouragement, and safety from our parents or caretakers. Some did a better job than others. Some caused harm. Some left us. They all did what they were capable of…and we usually forgive them their shortcomings.

But we know we deserved these things even if we did not receive them.

We started looking in our romantic relationships.

When we begin our romantic journey, we are not prepared to behave in ways that lovingly honor the other person with tenderness. We are not even ready to receive healthy, safe, nourishing, honest love.

We are needy.

We want to be completed by the other person.

We expect them to nourish us with all the things we never had as children.

To stand by us, to love us, no matter how we treat them.

We also want to believe that this time, the fairy tale will have a happy ending.

Even if our partner is narcissistic, selfish, abusive, racist, sexist, unkind, judgmental, impatient, explosive, violent, confused, lost, lazy, an addict, disloyal, adulterous, untruthful, alcoholic…even though we know we deserve to be with someone dedicated to loving kindness…we think somehow that if we try hard enough and long enough things will get better.

We also might expect, unknowingly, for them to fail us.

We might be bored out of our mind, or disagree with their politics or treatment of others, but we stand silent.

In spite of the roller coaster of conflict we experience regularly, we keep hoping. We are so afraid of being alone.

And then, when the relationship is over, we feel piercingly wounded. Heartsick, in painful agony. It is as if a piece of us has been ripped away.

This pain is a gift. The pain of being alone. The hole left in us we think is caused by separation from the other person, is really a golden chalice.

This cup can be filled by us. By finding our strength and purpose within. Knowing ourselves. Listening to the whispers, cries of our needs.

You have within you divine light.

You have the support of thousands who have suffered before you and found grace.

They learned, from this pain, new ways of relating to others.

You can learn to care for yourself. You have within you the capacity to restore and rebuild and reclaim who you want to be. To become your truest self.

It is in finding this blessed self that we open to real love.